I end up reading everyday. While there is no fixed plan or agenda, often I have found exactly what I needed to hear. Yesterday it came through the Ramayana. It has been a while since I read it but something got me to pull it off my shelf and it opened to a page that was an encouragement.
There’s a chapter in there where Jambavan reminds Hanuman of his true self while the latter is in doubt about his abilities and is despondent. Being reminded of his innate power, Hanuman grows in stature to be a mighty vanara who leaps across the sea for his Lord.
I’ve found myself slipping into a space of unmanageability and that brings up self doubt which prevents me from taking action. I don’t do well if there is relaxation, I prefer to be in a little discomfort as that keeps me attentive. A week long break from regular routine has had its effect.
I suppose I could be considered to have a predominantly vata constitution. Stressful situations, internal or external give rise to the agitations in my thought and procrastination in my actions.
A sampling of the train of thoughts would go something like
“Oh no, I got a whole ton of stuff to finish. The dishes are staring at me. Lunch and dinner need to be fixed.
The laundry is waiting to get done and the clothes need to be put away.
I have work to get started on. I need to sleep on time. I have to get out for a run tomorrow. I don’t feel like going for a run though. I also need to practice asana but I don’t feel like it. I am so bad at it anyway so its no use. I need to get my daughter’s school admission sorted. Will she get a place somewhere? I want to be left alone. I really need a break from my family.”
These thoughts paralyze me from being in the moment and fixing what I can. When I see them from a little distance it is so clear that I haven’t taken care of myself and my tendencies.
The single most important reason for this setback is that I did not keep myself first. I can only be of service if I am healthy- body, mind and soul.