Pain

Birth is painful

Growing is painful

Disease is painful

Decay is painful

Death, well I don’t know anything about it except that every thing that is born dies.

Yesterday morning, I was tired. So tired that it would have been easy to turn into a puddle of tears. But, somewhere there was the stubborn runner’s grit that gave me a mental shake and I could get on with the day. It is not easy to care for someone who needs constant assistance, manage work and home while going through personal turbulence. Somedays, it gives and it’s ok.

The fatigue is overwhelming and I have been finding it difficult to do my asana practice and reading study. So, I opened a random page and it fell on 13:9 which echoed the trajectory of birth, old age, disease and death, the same musings that I have been pondering upon. In a nutshell, pain.

The same pain that galvanized Prince Siddharth to Buddhahood. I see Amma, frail and broken, suffering physical and mental pain. While assisting her or cleaning her, I see how the skin folds into yet more pain. There is no privacy of body as she is dependent on someone to help her with her bodily functions. While my instinctive thought is ‘I wish I don’t live to be that old or ever get into a situation that I need someone’s help to use the bathroom’, the next is almost a prayer that I have enough gracefulness to accept such a condition if it come to be. Guruji’s words are joyful as far as living and dying are concerned- “Live happily, die majestically”. One could be a bag of sores and still die a majestic death.

It got me thinking of the klesas, the afflictions of avidya, asmita, raga, dvesha and abhinivesa. In the commentary, they are classified neatly into intellectual, emotional and instinctive categories. The more I read, the more I realise how much the commentary still leaves to self-exploration. Layers upon layers.

I remain grateful for all the help and love the universe provides in abundance. The silver lining in these grey rainy days has been to see a smile on Amma’s face finally. She has turned a bend and feels a glimmer of hope. That is more than enough.