Maybe it’s the monsoons that will touch our skies soon, maybe it’s the pregnant shoots waiting to break through parched earth that quickens my heart. It’s been too long since I fell from grace into a barren landscape of the heart and spirit. And really, all I had to do was go back to the very first sutra that caught my attention. 1.33.
I’m glad that this period of apathy, angst and powerlessness happened. It has been a good lesson to go back to the basics. Progress, evolution and going inwards is not complicated, it is the very opposite. It’s the simplicity of a child’s heart.
I had a relapse of the spirit, where almost all of the little actions that were cultivated and nurtured over time dropped off one by one, until a few shreds remained. Daily practices like japa, reading, writing and even regular blogging slipped into erratic and irregular occurrences. It became difficult to start all over again and I tried and failed. Many times. I felt sad and sorry for myself, at being a failure. Fallen from grace- grace of the Guru and a Power greater than myself. Yet, the mat gave me it’s blessings the few times I unrolled it. Despite my earlier studies and little understanding from my readings of the masters, I didn’t see the play of the gunas. Veiled in dust, smoke… In retrospect, I smile. I am grateful for the fall. I forgot that the earth is always there to embrace me and that she brings life to seemingly dead things with the advent of the rains. The elements continue to fascinate with their endless symbolism.
As a little exploration, I went back to a couple of sutras before my favourite one.
व्याधिस्त्यानसंशयप्रमादालस्यविरतिभ्रान्तिदर्शनालब्धभूमिकत्वानवस्थितत्वानि चित्तविक्षेपास्तेऽन्तराया: ।३०।
दु:खदौर्मनस्याङ्गमेजयत्वश्वासप्रश्वासा विक्षेपसहभुव: ।३१।
These two sutras ennumerate a laundry list of obstacles and I’ve experienced each one of them painfully. It is definitely not the first instance and I’m pretty sure it’s not the last. But in hindsight, I can see that the same experience wouldn’t have felt so terrible a few years back. As time passes, what passed off once does not do so now. The list of obstructions include disease, lack of interest or sluggishness, lingering doubt, pride or carelessness, idleness, sense gratification, living in a world of delusion, lack of perseverance, inability to maintain the progress attained due to pride or stagnation in practices. Sorrow, despair, unsteadiness of the body and irregular breathing complete the list. (from Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by Guruji)
After stating the way to prevent these obstacles, the next sutras outline many ways to remove and prevent them. That’s the set from 1:33 to 1:39.
Somewhere, I sense the festering sores of my spirit are beginning to heal. My heart feels lighter and open to receive again. I may be wrong but now I feel my knee will be healed completely soon and I will be able to run free again. Back to kissing the earth with my bare feet and feeling the wind in my hair. Speaking of the wind, perhaps I am a child of the air. Too long in the water or tied down and I am lost.
A special thanks to K8 for brightening my dark road with her kind words. Life also gives what we need. It’s a blessing to have Amma with me currently as she gets her cataracts sorted. Having to care for her is the best way to start climbing out of the hole I dug for myself. 🙂 It’s ironic that the sun has started to shine for me now that it is time for him to hide behind the clouds.
There is much to be happy. My beloved institute will be open soon and I can go back to start all over again. And blogging feels like it is out of its slump. In gratitude.