Breaking yama niyama

Diwali is just around the corner and it’s my favourite time of the year. I like scrubbing my walls and floors clean, throwing out things that have just been sitting around, making small hampers for my neighbours and friends and enjoying the pleasant evenings. I took a day off work to clean up and it got me back on track.
I find cleaning up very therapeutic. It helps me gather myself when I get scattered. The last couple of weeks were quite hectic and I had a slump in my home practice. It began with class a couple of weeks ago.
It was that time of the month and the class was hard work. After that I just didn’t want to exert myself. I did a few restorative asanas on my bed when I needed some relief but just didn’t get on the mat. Neither did I do any reading nor any journalling. Generally found myself sliding in all areas of my life, in short unmanageable and overwhelmed.
I finally shook the lethargy and got to practice a few days ago when I swatted a mosquito that was hovering around me. I felt terrible, snuffing out that life especially when I was practising. Generally, I don’t kill bugs but pick them up and put them away or shoo them. I think of how I would feel if a giant had to crush me. This was unthinking and it felt like a big violation. It probably sounds like a lot of hue and cry about a mosquito but that was a life.
This Wednesday, my teacher mentioned ahimsa using the nature of execution of asana as an example and it brought a lump to my throat when I thought of that tiny insect.
Yama niyama definitions keep changing for me, what was acceptable once does not work now. There is no choice but to continue and at times I wonder if I should continue to blog about my experiences. I feel it is an inside job and part of that means to stay with the pains and pleasures. At the same time, I also like to read experiences of others on the same journey as it gives me hope and a different perspective. It doesn’t seem fair to take and not give back in whatever way I can.
There is a sort of plateau and also an eagerness to continue exploring because after every plateau there is a climb. I’ve continued to stick to the basic sequences in the Preliminary course and it is manageable within the chaos of my daily life.

In gratitude

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